Living A Beautiful War Read online

  He pushed through the front door and walked out onto the sidewalk to make sure all the customers left the building before escorting the Silver Girls back to the clubhouse. He'd keep his distance from Lilly, because seeing her everyday was better than not being in her life at all.

  Chapter Two

  The music and yelling inside the clubhouse permeated through the backdoor and interrupted the quietness of the Bitterroot Mountains. Lilly stood with her hand on the doorknob, hesitant to go inside with everyone else. She wanted to rip her hair out, scratch someone's face, and throw herself into the biggest fight she'd ever been in to try to curb the anger growing inside of her.

  Nothing helped.

  Her stomach rebelled everything lately. If she ate, she felt empty. If she laughed, she felt empty. If she woke up alone, she felt empty. If she pretended that everything was all right, she felt empty. The only time she felt full was with Ink. No one had to tell her that her response to Ink was on the verge of mental instability. She knew it. She'd lived this crazy life since she fell in love with him so many years ago.

  She couldn't figure out how her plan to come live with Kurt and Risa took her further away from Ink when he was close enough to touch. Even when they'd lived in two different states, she'd discovered more ways to have him alone. They'd see each other every three months when the charter took the run down to California and then Arizona, stopping in Pitnam. She'd racked up so many minutes on her pre-paid cell that she had to work every summer at her mom's coffee shack to hide how much she spent to stay connected to Ink.

  After she received the lecture from Kurt two days ago to keep away from Ink—she honestly thought about pointing her boots toward Pitnam and living the rest of her life knowing she'd never have the man she loved.

  She couldn't be here and not be with Ink. The club might as well ask her to walk away from her family. It wasn't going to happen.

  "Open the door or move, sweetheart," Cutter said, nudging her arm.

  She let go, startled to have her privacy interrupted. "Sorry."

  Cutter's dark brows lowered. "What's the matter with you?"

  "Nothing." She smiled and raised her shoulders. "It's Monday night, and there's a beer in there with my name on it. So, go in or stay out, I'm planning on getting intimate with a bottleneck."

  Cutter shook his head, his long hair swinging, and grinned. He swept his arm in front of him. "Ladies first."

  Walking with more energy than she possessed, she led Cutter down the hallway into the main room of the clubhouse. She headed straight to the corner of the room where she helped herself to one of the cold huckleberry ales she'd come to enjoy since the Silver Girls introduced her to the local brew.

  She twisted the top off, and her skin prickled. She ignored the heated rush that came to the surface and burned clear through her. Without looking, she knew the cause of the tingling coursing through her body.

  Ink was in the room, and he was watching her.

  No matter where she was, if he was there too, he had his eyes on her. There was no escaping. Even when they never planned to be at the same place at the same time, the invisible tug on her heart pulled every time he was near.

  "Hey. About time you showed up." Jojo, one of the Silver Girls and Bantorus bitches, hip bumped Lilly. "Is Risa coming over?"

  Lilly shook her head. "Her ankles are swollen from shopping earlier, so Sawyer's staying with her and making her eat cucumber slices. He says they're good to eat for water retention."

  Jojo blew out her breath. "Risa's only got two and a half months to go. Soon, we'll have a baby in the club."

  "Yeah," Lilly smiled. "I can't wait."

  Helping Risa throughout her pregnancy was an experience she'd never forget. Every week something new happened to Risa's growing body that drilled in the fact that creating a baby was a miracle. Being an only child, she never gave pregnancy much thought beyond the ending result, and she found herself anxious to meet little Ramchett.

  "Sawyer is awesome with Risa. He might as well be a midwife for all he learned from his mother growing up," Lilly said.

  Jojo's grin turned into a laugh. "Girl, that man has more knowledge of the female anatomy than most women. Trust me."

  "Nu uh. Too much info, girlfriend." Lilly held her beer up in front of her. "It's time for me to get lost in the bottle and forget some of my best friends are bitches."

  "You love us." Jojo blew her a kiss and strolled toward the pool table and the Bantorus men.

  Ink leaned against the wall, cue stick forgotten in his hands, and stared right at her. Lilly looked past the bottle to him, and drank. The beer fell flat in her stomach, and her sex quivered. She hoped the club meeting started soon, and Ink would go away. She needed to hang out with the Silver Girls and go over next weekend's schedule.

  Ink slipped his fingers under his vest and rubbed his chest. She licked her lips, almost tasting the slightly salty skin under his shirt. It seemed like forever since she'd put her mouth on him. His body was a puzzle, all covered with tattoos waiting for her to put the pieces together.

  The ink that covered his upper body and the flames that covered his lower arms gave her more to look at than a rock hard body that incited a fire inside of her. She'd lost hours of time with him, studying his artwork, asking questions about each picture or design, until he ran out of patience with her. He always shrugged off his body ink, but to her, the tattoos were as much a part of him as he was to her life.

  She turned and headed back toward the hallway to step outside and wait until the men went into the meeting room. She couldn't stand here and mourn what would never be. Once the guys cleared the main room, she'd come back inside to talk with the girls.

  Outside the backdoor, she leaned against the old brick building and closed her eyes. The cool night air brought little relief to her overheated body. Most days, she successfully concentrated on the good things happening to her, because they outnumbered the bad.

  She loved her job of managing the Silver Girls. The business, while established, was young and the potential to make some serious dough was at her fingertips. She wanted to bring her ideas to fruition, and establish a business that'd succeed in a struggling economy. Until the offer came to take over Silver Girls, she hadn't realized all her training, her education and experience, made her perfect to run an adult entertainment business.

  She wanted to stay in Federal and take the job to the next level, but her heart couldn't take much more. Even if she had to put away her dreams, go back to Pitnam, and hit the pavement looking for a new job, she would if it meant Ink would be happy again.

  The misery she saw each time she looked at him matched her own. They were both going to break being this close and having to stay away from each other.

  The door swung open. She opened her eyes and straightened, not wanting anyone to question why she stood outside pouting.

  Ink closed the door and kept his distance. Her lungs compressed, making breathing difficult. She sucked in air. She'd already ripped out her heart and laid it at his feet, offering to give up everything to be with him.

  He'd pushed her away.

  She'd learned her lesson.

  He continued to look at her without saying a word. She left the security of the wall and walked. Six feet away from him, he hooked his fingers under her belt and whirled her around until she caught herself against his chest.

  A broad, solid chest.

  A warm, tatted chest.

  A chest holding a wildly beating heart that pulsed against the palms of her hands.

  "No," she whispered, unsure if the words made it past her lips.

  His pained gaze called to her. "Need you."

  "You can't," she said, growing stronger.

  If he couldn't save himself, she'd protect him. He was strong, too strong, and because of that strength, he had no idea what was bad for him.

  The club wouldn't allow him to make another mistake or they'd strip him of his patches, and he'd be gone. She had to make sure h
e stayed away from her to keep him in her life.

  "It's my risk," he whispered. "Give me a little, Ace. You're killing me."

  The nickname he only used when alone with her tipped her off balance. He'd called her Ace since she was fourteen and had slipped him two cards during a poker game. Nobody had caught her, and he'd won a lot of money from the other bikers. The shared smile he gave her after the game thrilled her. The secret they held was not the last one they'd keep.

  He leaned down, lowering his chin. Even with her high-heeled boots on, she stretched to her toes to get closer. She moistened her lips, caught between running away and throwing her arms around him.

  "Stop thinking shit." His husky, low voice soothed her. "We've never been able to fight this."

  She curled her fingers around the edge of his vest, pulling on him. He hovered in front of her lips, and she quivered. It'd been three months without him. Before that, it was six months. And, before that nine months. She couldn't survive another second.

  She ran her tongue along the slit his lips made, and heard him growl. Her legs vibrated, and his arm hooked around her waist and dragged her against his hard body. She leaned into him, unable to take the relief that came over her body at tasting him. This is what she wanted, lived for, needed.

  "Fucking right," he mumbled against her lips. "Nobody can tell us this is wrong."

  He hungrily kissed her, swiping his tongue against hers. She opened wider, eagerly taking everything he gave her. Knowing she came across desperate and needy, she pushed her worries aside. Ink gave her shelter from herself.

  He'd fought what she always knew existed, what she couldn't even explain to anyone else, what drew her toward him when anyone with common sense would run away. She'd stayed, because it was impossible to leave.

  He plunged his tongue into her mouth. She greedily sucked, taking and taking, feeling calmer after living on edge without him. He lifted her feet off the ground. She succumbed to letting him hold her weight and concentrated fully on him.

  She thrust her fingers into his hair and held his head, tilting hers, and taking him deeper. The moan from him told her everything she needed to know. She was doing it right, and he wanted her too.

  He stiffened against her, pulling his head back. She blinked against the erotic pull and stared into his stormy gray eyes.

  "Ink," she begged.

  He set her on her feet. She stumbled back, almost losing her balance. She clamped her lips to keep from screaming when he turned and punched the side of the brick building. Her heart cried instead when he was the one who growled out his frustration.

  The guttural sound ripped from a part of him he never showed his MC brothers or his president. But, she'd witnessed his fury on more than one occasion. Powerless and feral, he always fought against what she saw so clearly between them.

  She approached him and laid her hands on his back. "Please don't."

  "Go." His head went to the bricks and his knees bent before he caught himself.

  "How many times do I have to tell you it doesn't matter? I'll do everything I can to make things right with my dad, with Kurt, but you have to—"

  "Lilly." He pushed off the wall and got in her face. "Go back inside."

  She jolted from his anger, and quickly rebounded. "I can talk to them and—"

  "What the fuck don't you understand?" He stepped closer.

  She walked backward away from him to make him listen. "I understand everything."

  He laughed harshly, shaking his head. "I told you from day one to stay away, and you didn't listen. Look what happened."

  She rocked back a step. How could he say that? What happened was wonderful.

  He'd taken her to his cabin behind Cactus Cove and tried to scare her into leaving him alone. Instead, his overbearing and demanding orders excited her in a way nothing ever had. No one had ever spoke to her in his tone, ordered her out of her comfort zone, and removed all her control. In return, she became even more obsessed with him. He'd opened up a brand new sexual world that called to her. The more Ink gave her, the hotter she got, until Ink stopped pushing her away and telling her no all the time.

  "I will never ever give up on us," she said.

  Ink jaw ticked. "You deserve more than hiding out and a quick kiss."

  "You're wrong." She reached for him. "I deserve you."

  He stepped away. "I need this club. You need your family. I won't be the cause of us tearing the family apart."

  She clamped her teeth together and muffled her scream. "Dammit, you're not—"

  "We're done. I've got to get to the meeting before someone comes looking for me." He opened the door and left her standing outside.

  She stared at the empty space he left behind, hating what he was doing to them. How many times would she have to prove that she understood his need for the club? It wasn't like he ignored her feelings. If anything, he put her first, and made sure nothing happened to disrupt her life.

  She walked around vibrating in anger, because if the club wouldn't stop him, if being the president's daughter weren't a concern, if Ink's sense of honor wouldn't remind him that she was off limits, he'd be with her.

  More determined to get through to him, she walked back into the club. If he thought he could push her away, she'd push back harder and make him see the truth. He had to stop protecting her.

  Kurt walked into the hallway, followed by Cutter, Stripper, Muff, Tim, Crain, Beckett, and Big Dawg. She leaned against the wall, letting them pass on their way to the meeting. Ink followed last.

  He walked right by her without looking at her. She kept her shoulders straight and walked into the main room to meet with the girls. Nobody would see how he affected her, especially Ink.

  Chapter Three

  Lilly left the hallway, leaving Ink alone. His whole body pulsed. He bent at the waist, bracing his hands on his knees. He had her in his hands, and he couldn't keep her.

  She believed it was a simple matter of talking to her dad, requesting permission for him to stake his claim on her. She had no idea he'd already tried, and failed.

  He'd approached Rain soon after Lilly had turned eighteen years old because he found it impossible to push her away. With the best of intentions, he wanted to prove himself worthy to start a relationship with Lilly. He'd asked her dad if he could take her out on a date with the purpose of taking the right steps within the club, as if he was a fucking sixteen year old instead of a thirty-year-old man. Now, four years later, he was no closer to getting permission to be with her.

  Hell, he wanted to show everyone, especially Lilly, that he was capable of doing the right thing, even though he'd screwed up more times than he'd succeeded. He straightened, groaning when his body protested the movement. The night he'd approached Rain about Lilly, he knew there was a zero chance of going through the proper channels within the club again.

  Ink looked Rain right in the eyes. "I'll treat her right, Prez. You've got my word."

  "No." Rain never budged. "Why the fuck would you think you're good enough for my daughter?"

  He let his head fall back against the wall. Having the truth shoved in his face hurt more than he let on. More than disappointment, he knew Rain was right. He wasn't good enough. No matter what kind of shit he could attempt to do to prove his feelings were true, nothing changed the fact of how his and Lilly's relationship started.

  The only option he had was to go against the club's rule and secretly see her, but he couldn't keep putting her through the emotional pain any longer. He'd already gambled, and received a warning to keep his distance in return for bucking the rules. The club would never change their stance. Deep down he understood the need to protect the daughters, the old ladies, the sisters of Bantorus MC.

  Include the fact that Lilly's been his since she was twelve years old, and everyone would question his motives. He'd be more than stripped of his patches. They'd line up and kill him. He couldn't ask them to understand where his head was or why her misplaced devotion meant everything
to him. He was running out of time, and he couldn't make Lilly stop living her life for a few stolen moments with him.

  He trusted his club. He trusted Rain. Everyone was right.

  He wasn't good enough for Lilly.

  His birth mother had uttered the same words to him when she handed him over to social services when he was five years old. In the twenty-something foster homes he lived in growing up, he'd stopped counting how many times he, Travis Johnson, was described as a bad influence to the others in the family, a lost cause, a sad excuse for a boy.

  All because he had a habit of protecting himself, so nothing hurt. Nobody could breech the wall he put around him. The beatings only made him stronger. Words stopped making an impression. He'd numbed himself to his environment so many times, he feared losing the part of him that gave a damn, until Lilly came into his life.

  By then, Travis Johnson ceased to exist. He only went by the name Ink, covered in tattoos and determined to move on from the shit life he left behind.

  As Ink, he hurt when Lilly was around him, and that feeling was addictive to a man like him who craved to feel some kind of emotion. His skin crawled, and he rubbed his hand along his arm. The scars, the ridges, the past, he'd covered years ago.

  "Meeting," Remmy said, knocking against the wall and motioning Ink into the room. "You're late."

  He grinned, hiding the ache inside of him. "I'm right behind you."

  "If you kept your fingers out of pussies, maybe you'd make it on time." Remmy punched Ink in the shoulder.

  "What's your excuse?" Ink laughed, fake punching him back.

  He hadn't had sex with any of the bitches since Lilly stepped foot into Federal, and the Silver Girls knew it. Remmy, married to Natalie, didn't know it. Bantorus MC had loyal club girls that didn't share info, unless given permission.

  "My hand was on my woman." Remmy smiled, pushing him inside the meeting room.